Well, that’s how I wanted it to be this morning as I sat in my usual spot in the front row. Pastor’s wife, full of faith and confidence and spiritual example to the congregation…. and bawling her eyes out throughout the entire service.  To be honest, I’ve felt it off and on all week.  One minute, I’m strong and “it’s going to be fine” and “God’s grace  is sufficient” and “the Lord is my refuge” and all the right confessions of faith.  Projecting the “right image”. The next minute, I’m a puddle and I’m crying and I’m heartbroken for what was lost.  As much as I know the Lord is able to restore and rebuild and heal, I know that His faithfulness cannot be judged by my circumstances.  God is STILL faithful, ALWAYS faithful, no matter what I can see in the natural.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a green curtain to hide behind in my front row seat. So I cried, right out there in the open, in the front row, raw and exposed.

What happened this week?  Hurricane Irma.  All over our newly renovated-paid-in-cash children’s wing.

Oh y’all, trust me.  It’s SO MUCH WORSE than it looks, honestly.  I know it just looks like a hole.  I know what you are thinking: “Put a tarp on it” (we did), “Hire a roofer” (we will), “don’t you have insurance?” (we do).  I’ll spare you all the details, partly because I just can’t form the words without crying so hard I can’t see the computer keyboard. It’s just worse.

I’m mourning today. I’m mourning the loss of that beautiful new room.  It cost us so much more than money.  It cost a year of our lives. Hard work, hard people, hard labor. Days I thought would nearly kill us.  Days were I learned from first hand experience that people actually do leave the church over the color of the carpet. Honest promise – before 2016, I thought those were just stories people made up, some kind of ridiculous exaggerations to distract us from the work.  Now I know – the struggle was real.  (We didn’t actually lose anyone, but it wasn’t because the devil didn’t try).

I’m mourning the loss of what my flesh counted as provision.  We raised the cash for that renovation.  New sound, new lighting, new computers, new furniture, new carpet, the best we could do and cash every step of the way. That felt good.  That felt like blessing.  It felt like the blessing of obedience. (Do you see this conversation going downhill?  I’ll continue so you don’t miss it….) It felt like security.  It felt like a reward. It felt like, “since y’all did this, the Lord will do this“.  That felt like sunshine.  That felt like winning.  It felt like getting ahead. It felt like being the “head and not the tail” (in my misguided way of translating Deut. 28:13 in this situation).

Really, it wasn’t ANY of those things.  You know what it was?  It was a building. It wasn’t the sole evidence of God’s faithfulness.

What I want is to connect all these symmetrical lines in my life, tying my world up in pretty finished bows.  I like a finished project. I like a beginning and an end.  I like feeling the ground beneath my feet. When something is unfinished or unexplain-able, it throws me off balance – but only for a minute.  Then I remember.

I remember heroes of faith from the Bible who struggled AND were blessed. I remember that one of Jesus’ promises was that we would have tribulation in this world (John 16:33) AND that we would never be left alone (John 14:18). I remember Habakkuk writing,

“Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation” (Hab. 3:17-18)

That’s not really the verse that I wanted to write today – it doesn’t exactly draw the line from tragedy to comfort in the way my flesh wants it to.  Want to know what the truth is? The truth is, God’s faithfulness cannot be measured by human’s standards. On my fantastic days, God is faithful.  On my terrible days, God is faithful. His character is not defined or determined by my feelings.  I did feel good when we finished that wing (because feeling good feels good) and I praised God for being faithful (because He is faithful).  Where I “went south” was connecting my fleeting good feelings to God’s consistent goodness.I’m not only reminded in this moment that God is good, I experience the ultimate comfort because I know that God never changes, even if my circumstances change.  I will JOY in the God of my salvation!

It’s true that I am a person of faith. When I’m projecting the right “pastor’s wife image” there in the front row, when I’m smiling and my mascara is on my lashes (and not running in hot streaks down my cheeks), I’m operating in faith and trust in the Lord.  The congregation can look my direction and feel good that all is right with the world because I’m smiling at the right times and I’m allowing a few tears at the right times (oh the pressure).

It’s also true that I am a PERSON. When I am bawling out crying and I look like I just lost my best friend, I’m STILL OPERATING IN FAITH AND TRUST IN THE LORD. Mercifully, there are dear ones in our congregation (God bless them!) who get their confidence from the Lord. They realize that even though I’m the pastor’s wife, I’m still a fellow pilgrim on the journey forward.  These dear people know that even when I’m not projecting the right “pastor’s wife image”.  They know I can be sad AND full of faith all at the same time.

It’s such a relief to be able to be understood when I say, “I KNOW it’s only stuff. I KNOW that God will restore. It’s just that I liked that stuff and I didn’t want it to be destroyed by a hurricane”.  Some people understood – and when they hugged my neck, I could tell they felt just the same way.

This is one of my favorite psalms, and it seems to fit just right here:

“Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion” (84:5-7)

Passing through the valleys, being refreshed by the rain and scorched by the sun and moving forward in spite of feelings….. I might make it with the occasional mascara streak and I’ll definitely make it with smile wrinkles too, but I’m gonna make it.  We all will.

Standing on the promises of God – and I mean ALL of the promises, not just the ones that make my flesh feel good – is a treasure.  God is good, whatever your circumstances.  Praying you find a reason to praise our amazingly kind and constant Heavenly Father – even if it’s a “in spite of” praise – today

Jennifer ❤

 

 

Anyone who knows me will tell you: I like to be productive. Relaxing isn’t really my thing.  It’s hard for me to “turn off”. Dawdling? Lingering, dallying, taking one’s time, being slow and idle wasting time – no, not for me. Definitely no.

Ecclesiastes 3 teaches us,

What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

I like it. I like everything having a specific time.  I like routines and procedures and hard work and accomplishments and completion.  I like a beginning and an end.   Getting to check an item off my to-do list? Yes! “Oh rapture, oh bliss!” (sorry – obscure Gilbert and Sullivan reference there. The three people who got it enjoyed it!) 

Well, the other morning, in the middle of all my routines, I surprised myself. Michael and I had been on vacation (cabin in the middle of nowhere, no cell phones, no wi-fi, no TV, it was glorious!) and were set to leave the next day.  I know how long it takes me to get ready: 1 hour, 45 minutes.  It takes me that long every day, and trust me: the queen of routine has it timed down to the last minute.  Michael decided we would leave at 5:00am,  so we would miss traffic in both of the major cities we’d hit on the way home.  Okay, so quick math: I need to get up at 3:15 if I’m going to be ready. Yikes – 3:15? Even for an early bird like me, that’s crazy. If I skip my makeup and flat iron, maybe I can shave a few minutes off.  Who am I kidding  – I can skip make-up, but the flat iron is a non-negotiable.  Alright, I’ll set the alarm for 3:45 (still crazy, but less crazy, right?) and if I’m not ready, I’ll put make-up on in the car when the sun comes up.

The alarm went off at 3:45.  Lord Jesus help me, the alarm went off at 3:45.  Well, no time to dawdle (and I don’t like to dawdle anyway, right?), so I better get going.  Shower. Blow-dry. Dress. Flat iron. Don’t know what time it is, but Michael isn’t up yet, so I’ll start make-up and get as far as I can. All done! Made it in plenty of time – Michael is still in bed! Pack my morning stuff in my bag, suitcase is already packed from the night before.  Walk out to grab my phone and check the time.

It’s 4:15.  Yes, 4:15am. Seriously – I did ALL of that in 30 minutes?  How is this possible?  

While I was waiting out 45 minutes I had to spare, I considered the difference between this morning and every other morning of my adult life. Today, I used my time to shower-blow dry-flat iron-make up exclusively. What did I do yesterday and every other day?  Well, as it turns out: I was dawdling and loving it! Every other morning: I get up, and think about my day.  Pray. I exercise. Pray the workout would be over (not my most spiritual moment, just being honest). I go to the shower, and sit on the cool tile checking Facebook while I wait for hot water.  I find a show on Netflix and read closed captioning while I blow dry.  I read a little bit, I pray a little bit.  I eat breakfast (either a banana-spinach smoothie or Special K red berries, same every day).  I put make-up on. I cuddle my puppy (she has no delusions about herself like I did: she loves a dawdle and has no shame about it!). I look at the time – once I get to this point, I need about 10 minutes to dress and flat-iron, and I have plenty of time actually, so I read a little more, check a little more Facebook, pray a little more, think a little more, gather a little more quiet.

I love those first hours of the day – there’s no schedule and there doesn’t have to be.  There’s no student or friend or family member with any demands on my time.  It’s not time to clock in at work yet.  It’s a wonderful time to dawdle and apparently I love to dawdle at the right time! There is a time for everything, even for dawdling – what a surprise!

What surprises you about your personality?  Ask the Lord to reveal to you something you didn’t know about yourself – something enjoyable you didn’t know about yourself. He delights in you – did you know that?  He is here to offer correction, but He is also here to enjoy a relationship with you, just the way you are!  Realizing that I like a daily dawdle was a nice surprise – and I’ll enjoy it a little more now, no shame!

Knowing that I can actually get ready in 30 minutes doesn’t make a difference: I’m gonna get up early tomorrow morning and dawdle all over again. I’m going to be thankful to the Lord for the realization that this time is a luxury, an unaccounted for gift, a “time to keep” like Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 3. Bonus for me: because I’m getting started early, I have lots more day left to enjoy and accomplish!

A “time to keep” is a treasure! No matter what your routines, I’m praying that you find a time to slow down and enjoy the presence of the Lord!

Jennifer ❤